A fair CV of a Programmer

Part 1: Soft Skills

1. I keep quit in meetings. Try to do the attentive and intelligent face, even if I don’t care
2. People think I’m positive and negotiable. I’m always politely and not strongly telling that task is written to make shit. Only once. Then do not argue. And when I finish the Task and it is peice of shit, I’m not laughing, and not saying “IwasTellingThat».
3. I don’t care what shit should i work on. If the customer was interested in my opinion, he would not have hired a project Manager, product owner, scrum master, agile master, and UI designer. Let these hipsters form all sorts of opinions, visions and marketing chips.
4. I’m disciplined. I come to work at 9 and leave at 6. I’m comfortable with this schedule. I can linger for a double payment or if the task is interesting.
5. I have a good sense of humor and rich life experience. I can easily disrupt the team’s work for half a day by telling them how my Saturday went. But I do it rarely, because I think that my boss paying me not for that.
6. I spit your team lead, you know where. I can work on any shit, but with a clever kind to explain to his subordinates that they should do some shit beyond my control.
7. I’m just amazing at presentations. Especially if you need to present unfinished bottom. I masterfully passing bugs at the presentation of the program. Once I was presenting a login window for two hours, because the program did not work further. And login worked not always.
8. When I’m tired of this job, I quietly quit and do not running through the departments and not screaming “it’s horrible, we’re at the bottom, you are all fools.”

Part 2: Hard Skills

1. Inheritance is a godless thing, if the Pope is inherited from only 1 child.
2. I use encapsulation only when the Idea emphasizes yellow and writes, this method can be made private. Same with final.
3. I have never used volatile, finalize and many others.
4. I’m keeping it cool what to use: ArrayList or LinkedList. I always use an ArrayList.
5. I can not use getters and setters in Java, if I know that my code no one will read. person.name = “john”. If I know that someone will read it, I’m embarrassed.
6. I still don’t understand why interfaces are needed in java, except for callback and lambdas. All the examples with their use are far-fetched and I can make it easier without them.
7. I don’t know how gc works, I’ve never used it. And at all for 6 years on my memory he mentioned only one time. In addition to the interviews, of course.
8. I have a rep on github, but I won’t show it to you. She’s my personal, and I’m there code as I want. You don’t wear a tuxedo at home, do you?
9. I can and I like to skip the front if I’m tired of back. Reakt I have forgotten and left behind. But Sencha seems to remember.

Part 3: Achievements

1. I made 3 web-sites, which visited less people than it did. When I was doing 2 sites I knew that nobody will come.(they were expected to take over the world)
2. I made three web applications(ExtJs-Java-Docker) of which two were never used in prod, and one was used twice.(it was expected that they would take over the world).

When I did them, I knew that it would be so, because I do not believe in users who learn by heart a 20-page manual, I presented my work with a printed manual in my hands.

3. I made aI made a native Android application of 8 screens, in which no one went beyond the second, it was downloaded 107 times in the Google market(it was expected that it will take over the world).

4. Once I fixed the highest-bug for two days, and then realized that this section of the site no one came about three years. And it was a very healthy section of the site, which spent a lot of man-hours.

5. I spent about a week on the fact that the combobox did not appeared on top, but on the right.

6. I led 4 people and we did one project for six months, which I could do alone in a week. And Yes, it is a draft from point 2.

7. I set up query caching in monga on an app that has one person per day.

8. I did a corporate email client, despite the fact that there are hundreds of free and all were better.

9. I was doing pixel-idealization(or what is it called?) at the front.

10. I redesigned the Material UI library for React because our freelance UI designer from village decided he had a better understanding of design than Matthias Duarte — Google’s Vice President of design, bachelor of computer science with honors from the University of Maryland, with an additional education in art and art history, head of the Student art gallery in Maryland.

I never understood why you had to redo the good things that smart people did for you and gave away for free, especially if you’re obviously dumb.

11. I did one feature for a month, which under the most optimistic calculations were fought would be 437 years old. (MOP order for cleaning lady) in ERP.

12. I remade one shit from scratch 7 times because task changed. She ended up worse than she was.

13. I spent 4 hours to understand why properly rounded penny in the account, though I knew in advance that I will not be able to fix it, otherwise the balance will not converge.

14. I did a microservice to increase the reliability of basic business logic, and Yes this microservice was crashed 20 times more often than business logic.

But then there made a whole Department of 12 people, to increase the reliability of this microservice reliability, and now the microservice is crashing 20 times more often, makes half-transactions and loses data without a trace. When I left, they decided to make a reliability microservice for a reliability microservice.

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