THE RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT

(A) Parties.

These amended and related relationship laws are made and entered into on the date of ____________ by ____________ and ____________. The relationship’s purpose shall be to develop and maintain and promote the growth of both parties involved. To create the space that supports and champions each other’s stories. This agreement may become null and void only after an in-person meeting consisting of verbal communication with eye contact. Hands must be shown. Both parties must be seated.

(B) Intentions.

The intentions of both parties entering this agreement and relationship are as follows: To love fully without manipulation or control. “Fully” shall be defined as loving with honesty and integrity, in good faith pulling from one’s heart and seeking the best life for the other party. To love not hate. Both agree to execute love with the best of their ability, with the intention to build something real and lasting.

“Real and lasting” shall be defined as an honest love with healthy intentions until the love is no longer honest or healthy, after both parties can say they have done everything in their power to keep the love honest and healthy.

(C) Intimacy.

Both parties agree to see intimacy as an exploration. Both parties agree that orgasm is not the goal during sexual encounters. There shall be no pressure on either party to give or receive orgasms. Exploration shall be defined as a deepening of souls. Not just sexual activities. Both parties agree to put effort into said exploration, knowing new definitions will be created. If one party does not wish to have sex at any time, even if the other party has been aroused, the party’s choice shall not be held against him or her. It is the aroused party’s own responsibility to take care of said arousal. That said, some form of communication from the participant not wanting to engage in sex is required. Length of communication shall be determined by the individual. Eye contact is not required during communication.

Kissing will be required daily. Although duration and type of kiss shall remain open, at least one six-second kiss will be the daily recommendation.

Both parties will be aware and understanding of each other’s love languages, based on Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages. Receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. This understanding shall be taken into consideration when the way one practices intimacy does not match the other.

Both parties have a right to not disclose their sexual history. Choosing to withhold one’s sexual history shall not be held against them. Or be a measure of one’s love in the relationship. Continuously prying about one’s sexual history will not be tolerated.

(D) Actions.

1. Inner Self.

Both parties will do their best to love without their past. “Do their best” will be determined by the individual according to where they are in their mental/emotional space and inner journey. This may fluctuate depending on external life forces and events. Loving without one’s past shall include but are not limited to: Not comparing past relationships with this current one. Being aware of old love patterns, both in thought and behavior, that are unhealthy and making an action to change them. Not putting pressure and or expectations on the partner to be or behavior in a way that is not honest to him or her.

Both parties shall be responsible to work on attachment issues, mommy/daddy issues, codependency issues. “Work on” shall be defined as seeing a therapist, counselor, or attending workshops and meetings. Workshops can be online but must be live. Reading self help books only does not meet the minimum requirement of “work on”.

(a) Communication.

Both parties agree to try to understand before trying to be understood. Both parties shall actually listen instead of thinking of a response while the other is speaking. A “speed bump” shall be inserted before either party says stupid shit they will regret.

Both parties shall express their feelings. Not hold them in due to fear or habit. Both parties understand the importance of expressing themselves. It is the difference between doing life with someone instead of around. Both parties will make a conscious effort to express themselves.

(b) Ownership.

Both parties shall make an effort to own what is theirs to own. This includes uncontrollable emotions, feelings of jealousy. This includes words and actions that contribute to conflict in the relationship. Also, events that have happened in the past that has wired each party in a certain way that may contribute to unhealthy relationship dynamics and patterns. Both parties agree to own their own triggers as well as negative energy.

2. External Self.

Both parties agree to work on their relationship with their bodies. Both with diet and exercise. Both shall agree to not stop their workout routine because they are “off the market”. Both shall understand that their connection to their body and comfort in their own skin directly impacts the relationship, and each have a responsibility to work on said connection and comfort with self.

Both parties agree to practice self-care. This shall include one’s mental, emotional, and physical health. This is not “extra” or only executed when life is good. This is mandatory and each individual’s responsibility. Mental and emotional health may include but is not limited to therapy, self-help books, life coaching, meditation, spiritual practices, etc. Physical health may include but is not limited to daily exercise, a healthy diet, and good hygiene.

(a) Work.

Both parties shall put in hard work and do everything in their power to pursue their passions and dreams. “Hard work” shall be defined by the individual. But an eight hour work day will be the minimum requirement. If either party is unemployed or experiencing a life transition, a three-month maximum “get on your feet” time shall be granted with no bitching from the other party. During this period, the “unemployed” must make an honest effort to “get on his/her feet”. Parenting a child will also be included in “hard work”. Video games will not be allowed.

Sixteen hour work days will not be permitted. Unless both parties agree it is needed (temporary) to better the relationship and quality of life of both parties.

Both parties agree to share and support each other’s work/entrepreneurship experiences. To not judge or control one’s dreams. Complaining, whining, and excuses shall not be tolerated.

(b) Date night.

Both parties agree to put an honest effort into date nights. Activities may vary. There shall be no minimum or maximum amount of days or monies required. Netflix and chilling shall only be extended twice a month under the category of “date night”. Date night shall require both parties to put effort into putting on some fucking pants and making an effort to look sexy AF.

NO TOLERANCE CLAUSE

Mental, emotional, and physical abuse shall NOT be tolerated under any circumstances. Any form of abuse breaks this agreement. Separation is required. Both parties are highly recommended to seek treatment.

NO GUARANTEE CLAUSE

Both parties shall understand that there is no guarantee in love. Feelings can change. Parties may drift. Loving someone is a daily choice. Some days it will be easy. Some days it will be difficult. Both parties understand the risk of choosing to love each other is possible heartbreak.

LOVE HARD CLAUSE

Both parties shall love hard. “Loving hard” shall be defined as making an honest effort to love with everything. To not lose oneself in the relationship. To show oneself. To be vulnerable. To have healthy boundaries. To communicate and express feelings. To understand that you may and probably will be attracted to other people but that is very different than loving and building a relationship with someone. To love without ego or a fist. To love with an open heart. To forgive often. To always be a student to love. To believe and chase magic.

Magic cannot be defined.

Share if you believe we can change the world by changing how we choose to love each other.

• Angry

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When I was writing this book, I thought about every kid who grew up without a dad, and became confused about his boundaries and definitions. Every teenage girl who was never told that she was beautiful and worthy and so she places her worth on the external and sets herself up for unhealthy experiences, for every women who has been in abusive relationships and keeps falling into unhealthy love patterns so she never learns what healthy means.

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THE RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT was originally published in Hacker Noon on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.