How to Stop Being Proactive

First of all, I have to apologize for getting lost for 2 years and not posting anything, much less even signing into Medium! Too much going on… and lots of learning in the process! Just no public journaling…

Today, I have been thinking on a new topic I am trying to learn, and it is — you guessed it! — “How to Stop Being Proactive.”

I did what every other sane, self-taught, amateur human would do, and I asked Google. Guess what? Google had no answers. EVERYTHING that popped up was how to be MORE proactive. All sorts of advice on proactivity at work, in life, and even how to change from being reactive to being proactive.

**Insert instant overwhelm**

Except one — only one — post from 2014 by Paul Gilbert, lawyer and founder of LBC Wise Counsel. It struck a cord.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Being proactive can be good many times, and being reactive is not the answer I’m looking for here. I have actually worked really hard to change my reactive behaviors and even wrote a post about it, way back when. It is another kind of proactive I’m talking about today.

Precisely, in a world where being “proactive doers” is what is expected and asked of us, it is very difficult to see where we are doing more harm than good. And what is worse, within our own lives. It’s a very confusing message.

At work, and in life in general, I have always been a proactive doer…I even managed to be proactice when I was a master in reactive behavior. I made the wheels turn! I got sh*t done! That was my motto. It quickley turned into “getting the RIGHT sh*t done” a couple of months ago when I found myself doing and doing and doing, but getting nowhere…as stuck as a spinning tire in the mud. All of a sudden I feel deep compassion and empathy for hamsters…

Because anybody can get wrapped up in a long to-do list of «non-important-but-urgent-fires-to-put-out», or things we agreed to do because we don’t know how to say “No”, or maybe we where just hanging out way too long with everyone’s-best-friend procrastination.

Now a days, everybody and their mother assures they know the best way for you to live your life (including me). So, I have promised myself to not add to the online information clutter out of pure opinionated ego, and only post things that I really consider to be useful to other human beings out there. Here goes.

Technically, according to vocabulary.com, being proactive means:

“If you are proactive, you make things happen, instead of waiting for them to happen to you. Active means “doing something.” The prefix pro- means “before.” So if you are proactive, you are ready before something happens. The opposite is being reactive, or waiting for things to unfold before responding.”

O.K., fair enough… being proactive sounds like a great survival strategy. The perfect food for my lizzard-brain, which runs on stress and anticipation to feed it’s fight-or-flight instincts. It is what keeps me out of trouble and rescues me from it, trying to always be one step ahead.

This is all nice and dandy in most work-life scenarios, and specially if I am competing in 2018’s remake of “Survivor”. But not so much in relationships and other real-life scenarios. Let me explain.

When we see someone in despair (or we assume they are in despair), one tends to want to help. We put on our best shining armor and we gallop to the rescue. Yes. I’m a girl. We can wear shining armors, too. (Although femenine energy counselors advise you to stay in your feminine energy, and stop doing…their advice is just now starting to make sense.)

The problem with this is nobody asked us for help. But we do it anyway! ‘Cause we know what’s best, or becuase we really really wanna help and we actually do have the answer. Again, no matter how right we are (or think we are), or how much time, energy and effort we can help the other person save, the problem is… yup, you got it! Nobody asked.

Some people are kind and actually welcome our help. Other’s were truly hoping somebody would save them, or were even counting on your help specifically (you awesome good friend, you). But most of the time, people prefer you mind your own business.

For starters, nobody likes a know-it-all. They also don’t like to be told what to do. They get very defensive. Specially if what you are saying implies that they might be wrong or have some internal work to do. And what people dislike the most is hearing unsolicited advice, when all they needed was a listening ear and perhaps a shoulder to cry on.

Problem is, I’m a life-helper (kinda like a Santa’s Helper, but I don’t get all the free toys). Actually, I’m a SUPER DUPER life-helper. All my friends know it and they tend to come to me for help or advice. And I don’t mean this in an arrogant, entitled way. I genuinely LOVE helping people. It is my mission. And I want to share everything I learn and all the knowledge I acquire, because, for me, that’s the purpose of knowledge.

Thing is, wisdom is really what we should strive for. And to become wise, you must start by learning a new concept and experimenting with it. I really, genuinely want to share all these concepts and experiments with everybody that would like to listen to them. Teaching helps me learn. Also, I process when I talk (and write… hence this post.)

Some people welcome this attitude of mine. Some are scared away by it. And one in a hundred can actually get angry and burst (it’s hard to look into the mirror sometimes). And I don’t take it personal, ‘cause I understand they are protecting themselves from what they don’t want to see… and from me, apparently.

I know what you’re gonna say: “Why don’t you just study to be a life coach?” It’s one of my future plans. But Life Coaches don’t necessarily give you the info you really need, nor the tough love. They asks millions of questions to help you find the answer within you. Which is actually pretty brilliant because as a coach, you don’t have to have any answers!!!!! But I tell you, I’ve learned and grown a lot more from books that told me things in my face, than from the innumerable questions I’ve been asked. I actually find the answer to those questions BECAUSE of all the in-your-face info I have read or heard.

My point is, if you don’t have the knowledge/info/concept/drive or new perspective, you can lay on your psychologist’s chaise longue every Saturday for five straight years, playing victim at times, and NOTHING will click. You end up paying someone to listen to you (we’ve got friends that do that for free), and watch you become a mess, while he tries vaguley to undo you. (This may or may not have happened to me…)

Now, I’m not dissmissing psychologists. I deeply respect them and the ones I have worked with have all helped me in one way or another, specially with life-changing therapies like EMDR. And that is all good to correct past issues and deal with post-traumatic stress. It’s like rewriting the algorythm in your brain, so the software can run flawlessly, and oh boy, whatta change that makes!!

But really it’s the speakers, and authors, and bloggers who study and write about different life subjects in an in-your-face, tough-love style, who have helped me open my eyes and walk a step closer towards enlightment.

**Shout-Out to Eric Barker, Brené Brown, Byron Katie, Esther Perel, Ruth Field, Gary John Bishop, Mark Manson, James Clear, Tony Robbins & Paul Jarvis, to name a few.**

So why are we so proactive if everybody just wants us to shut up and mind our own business and let them be (because they don’t need our help, although it might really seem like they do)?!?!?!

My answer: because I wanna help.

Dig deeper. Peel the onion. Try again.

My answer #2: because it feels good.

Dig deeper. Peel the onion. Try again.

My answer #3: because I wanna be liked by others.

Dig deeper. Peel the onion. Try again.

My answer #4: because I want to be accepted and validated and loved.

Dig deeper. Peel the onion. Try again.

My answer #5: because I feel I am not enough and I have to prove myself to everyone including myself, maybe? I don’t consciously feel this way, but it is what all my in-your-face, tough-love, self-help books and gurus say, so there’s gotta be something to it. (And now I’m justifying myself, so it well may be…)

Dig deeper. Peel the onion. Try again.

My answer #6: because I have been hurt, rejected, neglected and abandoned so many times, that I am really trying to turn into a complete, balanced, rounded-out person, with a lot of wisdom and emotionally stable thoughts, feelings and reactions.

Dig deeper. Peel the onion. Try again.

My answer #7: because this is what I learned from my mother, who is a walking heart, but also a frustrated and hurt stomped-on carpet with no boundaries, bless her soul.

I learned to give. Everything. Always. Even if it means taking crap from others. To be low-maintainance for others, to not bother nor be a problem (not quite the master yet with this last one… gotta learn to shut up!). I learned to not recieve. So I give! Everything.

How do you tell a giver to stop giving? It is all I know. It is all I have been. It is pretty much who I am.

— Here comes the tough love —

Well, it turns out that when we give so much, although we are probably genuinely nice humans, this quality is really a manipulation tool. We “give” as if hoping to buy other people’s love, admiration, affection, validation, company…you fill in the blank.

But what happens when you proactively help someone who has not asked for your help? That could go both ways. They can appreciate it, or they can tell you to bug-off.

Or what if you give someone advice in a group chat?

It will probably go something like this:

1. Someone comments something.
2. You dispense unsolicited advice.
3. Some other one picks on you, or tries to put down what you said.
4. You feel attacked, get defensive and answer back.
5. That just makes everything worse and then you have to justify yourself and validate your knowledge.
6. So you end up talking a lot more than you intended, and you most probably gave the other commentator enough material to continue using against you.
7. Also, by justyfing yourself you are sending the wrong message that the other one is actually right about you — not to mention that you have also now appeared to be very insecure.
8. Oh, and then you over compensate by trying to be funny or LOLing to all the comments of all the other chat members. (Nice cherry on top.)

And that is the whole reason why I looked up “How to STOP being proactive”, in the first place. You see, I’m really trying to stop justifying and explaining myself, and for that, I have to focus on the root cause: I have to stop being proactive and dispensing unsolicited advice and explanations to everybody before they even ask!

Also, being proactive and constantly justifying and explaining yourself involves wasting a lot of precious time. Yours and others’.

So, proactivity is then a bit of a hassle if you wish to live harmoniously in society and not become the exiled know-it-all of the tribe.

Which brings us back to our question: how do I STOP being proactive? Paul Gilbert recommends:

1. Shut up. Let them ask you if they need you.

“Who cares about your opinion? […] Stop digging where you are not needed. Treat colleagues like adults and ask simple direct questions that put them in a position to be informed and let them ask you […] if they need you.”

I guess you could also ask if the person wants to hear your opinion. Or basically, ask them what role they want you to play in the conversation: listener? advisor? mentor? opinionated friend? wall? ghost? hollogram?

2. Listen more. The best way to shut up — after biting your tounge — is to listen and ask questions. Active listening, they call it.

3. Stop trying to be liked. You are not ment to be liked by eveyone. Stop trying to control others so they do!

“Being liked is your weaknes. Your blind spot. Your open fly.”

4. Stop DOING so much. As today’s self-help gurus like to say, “you are a human being, not a human doing.” (This is not a free-pass to procrastinate. It’s an invitation to manage your energetic resources and embrace yourself.)

5. But, stop being everybody’s mother! They all have their own process and timing. I think this one is self-explanatory and reinforces points 1 and 3.

It is sooo hard. I mean, really hard! I’m doing it right now. This whole post is me expending unsolicited advice. Very opinionatedly. And if you re-read my first paragraph, I was totally justifiying myself there for not posting in 2 years. You see? IT’S HARD!!!

Where do you draw the line between psychologist-life-coach-wanna-be-life-hacker-santa’s-helper, and insecure serial justifier?

How do you stop being such an unsolicited proactive doer and quit helping others (because you are overdoing it)?

I guess, like with all addictions, the answer is go cold turkey and just stop. Shut up and jump to the other extreme first, so you can then find a healthy balance. Short answers. No explanations. Make lots of questions. Process by writing instead of talking (check!).

In a nutshell, stop doing what is not asked of you.

And like I heard (read) Carol Allen say (write) once: «Give people what they want, when they want it…nothing less, nothing more» (given that these people are healthy and what they want is reasonable, and that you have your boundaries correctly set in place.)

It’s all a matter of choice.

Thank you for reading ❤ and claps are much appreciated!

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All the love back to you ❤

How to Stop Being Proactive was originally published in Hacker Noon on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.