The only gay in the bro-village

Probably not, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

I was a PR guy with some tech skills before I became a tech guy with some PR skills. Its been an interesting transition. The world of marketing has been comfortable with the gays for quite a while now and they like what we’ve done with the place. Tech? Hmm, not quite yet.

Recently, I was doing a bit of soft recruiting for my startup at a JS meetup and was explaining to a couple of guys how my cofounder (who is a lady’s man, btw) and I are determined to get to know people before we take new team members on board, at what is basically the ground floor. We want to make sure the team we build is with us for the long run. I said, “it’s kind of like dating” when describing our recruitment process, which pretty much made the next, final five minutes of our conversation completely awkward.

I wouldn’t describe myself as a stereotype (nor would I seriously do that about anyone else), but once you talk to me for a bit, I’ve got a wee bit of a flamboyance that probably makes most straight guys think, “hmm, I wonder if this guy’s a cake eater?”

The example I gave above is just one of many awkward encounters I’ve had navigating around in the bro-village. The tech world, all you bros included, is a pretty tolerant place (even if a bunch of folks haven’t updated their hacker ethic in a while). Entirely introverted, but tolerant nonetheless. Its this introversion that got me thinking: maybe the bros in the village need a little bit of guidance on how to deal with the gays. And that’s where this article comes into play.

Here is a list of to-dos, what-not-to-dos and you-should-knows when encounter a gay in the village, because like it or not, ‘mos are inviting ourselves in and redecorating, just like we did Hollywood, and it’s going to be fabulous. You will need to learn to adapt, so I am doing you a solid, bro.

#1 Learn not to be offended.

Like when I just called you bro about a million times. Power of the word, baby. Own that shit and make it your own. Make it mean something better than you and others think it does, (maybe, actually brotherly). Take the word ‘gay’ for instance. It used to mean happy, then it meant ‘burn in hell, deviant’ and now it means ‘ideal best friend’ to just about all the ladies ever. Gays did that. We are really good at PR. We owned our label and it is now glorious. And because of the way in which gays view the world, we are probably not going to be too worried about hurting your bro-feelings. We don’t take ourselves too seriously and tend to ridicule those who do. Because life’s too short.

#2 Gays do know all the nice ladies.

So make friends, you might get lucky… with a lady friend of ours!

#3 I probably don’t want to sleep with you.

A tech meetup or conference or whatever tech coffee clutch gathering you can think of, it’s not a place gays go to pick up. It’s probably the furthest thing from our minds, just like it’s probably the furthest thing from your mind. Look, we are so alike, bro! Seriously tho. Gays take their work just as seriously as you do. So, no need to cut the conversation short because you think I am looking at your man boobs.

#4 Don’t try and set a gay up with every single other gay you know.

It doesn’t work like that and chances are, we’re totally on top of our own setup/hookup program. I mean, we were swiping left and right analog-style way before Tinder. And an obligatory date because your new tech bro buddy thinks you should marry that gay guy his sister knows, does not sound like a good time. If after reading this, you are still going to insist on playing matchmaker, be sure the prospect is damn fine and have a picture handy. Bios are nice too.

#5 If you are still insisting that I want to sleep with you, at least take it as a compliment.

It means you’ve got great man boobs.

Every tech-bro with his shirt off. Also, what’s a gay blog post without at least one ripped dude pic. Photo by Wesley Quinn on Unsplash#6 Yep, I‘m a developer.

Maybe not the best one in the world or even on the city block, but a developer nevertheless. My flamboyance and/or extrovertedness are products of having learned very early on in life to give no fucks about what people think about me. It’s not a compensation method, I assure you. I can’t count how many times I’ve encountered doubts about my abilities after a conversation in which its probably fairly obvious whose team I am playing for. I put this mentality in the same category I put the ways certain bros also sometimes/often have doubts about whether the ladies can write a line of code. For some guys, there is something about supposed feminization that makes someone incapable of certain ‘manly’ things. Which is hilarious, because I would never describe a 72 hour, unwashed, atrophy inducing, red bull and cheetos fueled coding session as particularly manly. I certainly don’t feel that way when I am ‘running’ (definitely not running) a coding marathon.

#7 Embrace being uncomfortable, seek it out. Be open.

Look, the tech world is suffering from some serious myopia. Diversity is a huge opportunity that is being missed by just about everyone who is pushing back against inclusion. The future of innovation isn’t going to be sourced in tunnel vision, it’s going to be sourced in perspective. Bro-only perspective is running on fumes, Mark. And if you really want to make some serious change, you are going to need to seek out some new vision. And quick. So, be proactive, be the change you want to see in the tech world. Tech can’t solve everything, it turns out, so social solutions, like making an effort to invite the local gay tech group to your next meetup, need to be made. Be intentional. Seek out discomfort and do it like a winner and take on a real challenge— make friends with some tech gays who will make it their mission in life to weird you out.

End list.

Post list script for the push-backers:

Peter Thiel and Tim Cook are not proof that there isn’t a gay problem in the tech world. First of all, Tim Cook didn’t come out until 2014, when he had already risen to the top of Apple, a position from which he has nothing to fear, professionally, for being identified as a gay man. And Peter Thiel never wanted to come out in the first place, he was outed by Gawker in 2007. And its been a long time since either of these two guys worked in the trenches. But I do and I know there are others too, brother.

Post list script for the allies:

You know who you are. This was obviously not meant for you, but please do feel obliged to share it with that one guy who can’t stop saying, “that’s so gay.”

You can send me a love letter or a hate letter by typing lincoln [at] spendwell [dot] com into your email machine and you can follow me or block me on the tweet machine here: @bauer_lincoln.

The only gay in the bro-village was originally published in Hacker Noon on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.