Dear Mr. Successful Internet Writer Dude

While I’m truly excited to start your self help program today, I’ve got to tell you, this getting up at 3 AM is going to take some real getting used to.

Most the people in my house haven’t even gone to bed yet and I’m making coffee. One of them came home drunk and puked on the meditation mat that you sent out for free with your last E-book. I Hadn’t gotten around to using it anyhow. The cat has kind of just been using it to nap on, so thanks for that.

I’ve just gotten out of a cold shower, as directed and if I’m being honest the only difference I notice at the moment is,well — shrinkage.

My balls are smaller than they were before I got in but hey, apparently my future is now brighter for having endured the torture of cold water.

To try and counteract what the cold water had done to my genitals, I then made it as hot as I possibly could, I’m talking scolding. I think I need medical attention. But man, what an adrenaline rush. Well, It’s either that or frostbite.

As you suggested, I had two teaspoons of organic trail mix for breakfast.

I threw all of my things out, quit my job and ended my marriage. Well, my marriage pretty much ended on its own after I quit my job and threw all our stuff out. Especially since I threw out mostly just her stuff.

I’ve had an open Tony Robbins book on the edge of my bed for three weeks now and although I haven’t read a lick of it since I last put it down, it’s worked wonders on my subconscious mind and convincing others I’m a good person.

I told my buddy about him and he said he thought his name is Anthony Robbins. I told him it is but when you’ve read as much of his work as people think I have, you call him Tony.

I’ve taken up therapy and I’m already seeing the benefits of opening up to a stranger. Okay, so well it’s not traditional therapy, being my therapist isn’t licensed yet. However, she says after just seven and a half more years of schooling she’ll be legit which means I won’t have to pay a cover at the door before sessions — plus, she won’t have to dance during them anymore.

I know chapter three in your most recent book said something about taking up running but being I’m asthmatic and a high functioning alcoholic, I’ve just taken up running from my problems instead. The way I see it, doing so has to be just as beneficial to my heart and cardiovascular system. Less stress, man.

I’ve given up masturbation completely, though I’m still philandering with prostitutes on a frequent basis. Only the ones who don’t charge as much though, in an effort to start really cutting back on spending like you always talk about. This journey I’ve embarked on won’t be easy but I know it’ll be worth it.

By the way, your most recent article “Become a Phenomenal Farter: 4 Fantastic Hacks That Lead To Better Flatulence” has truly been life changing for me. Though I’m still full of shit, gas is no longer an issue for me — thanks to you.

Well, I’m going to read a few more articles on how to become a better writer in an effort to avoid actually writing, then I’ll probably slam a few Red bull and vodkas and see if my inner being leads me to the gym or the bar, with the bros. Like you never say, there’s always tomorrow.

Toodles, Dude

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